In other news, Papa Joe Simpson has announced the signing of Britney Spears to his managerial empire. Rumors swirl that he's self-financing a new production starring Britney & Jessica - shot in nightvision. Ray J is co-starring with Rick Soloman slated to direct. And oh, by the way Jess? That alarm bell you keep hearing ringing in your ears? That's your timer telling you those 15 minutes passed somewhere back in '02. So you and Asslee go shake your ass back down to Texas...I hear there's an opening in a Mexia, TX titty bar.

@Evanessence: well that about sums things up nicely.

And by "slander" we mean "libel," right?

Can't wait for the inevitable Playboy feature.

So... any news on the Defamer Classic front? I'd happily relive Russell Crowe and his phone-chucking drama. For instance.

(You take the reins.)

Jessica seems like a really nice girl. I like her manners. Her dad is a disgusting pimp who has poisoned her mind and her life--bleah. She's old enough to know better now, and should pull an Angelina Jolie patented permanent father-ditch, take some big piles of money, get the hell to Barbados for a while.

@hart88: And for maximum fee potential, it would HAVE to be a double-shot of BOTH sisters right? That offer will be here in 5...4...3...2...

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: She really does seem like a nice, dumb, sweet and guileless girl. Even though her old man has pretty much ruined any chance she has for any kind of happiness, she sticks by him. It's sad but sort of touching. Poor girl.

@Trixie from Toronto: It would be really hard to get away from. It's kind of amazing she's not some hardcore party mess.

@Trixie from Toronto: "Stand By Your Man..."

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: That's why I sort of respect her. She has the male Dina Lohan for a father, but she keeps herself out of trouble. And my heart breaks a little bit for her because she is clearly "looking for love in all the wrong places" time and time again.

I was a divorcee at 25 there's no shame in that so fuck you.

But she is a tool.

What's really great is how open commenting and the new writers have really brought in a higher class of reader.

30 candles is fast approaching which will add a whole new dimension to this trainwreck.

@beagle

my apologies for the outburst, didn't know that wound was still sore. i'll return to wonkette, and leave you folks to your diablo hate speech.

@Trixie from Toronto: @SteamyMcFirecrotch: I just would love to hear her record those tunes. She could make a video where she symbolically throws that icky virginity promise ring her daddy gave her when she was a teen in to a fetid future-vision pool of destroyed ocean life (compliments of her father's buddy Karl Rove, somehow I know it's his fault). Or whatever. Something tells me this girl is strong. Maybe it's like he's her Sonny and she's Cher, no offense to Sonny and not to suggest they actually have had sex, because nobody needs that this late on a Friday. Not this week.

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: I could see her as the Dinah Shore of her day if she was just ... well ... just a little bit smarter and could carry her own talk show. It could be all old-fashioned-like. She could sing a song and then have her guests on and they could eat fried chicken and giggle and have fun. It could be so campy and retro, it would be cute. But we have to cut Joe right out of there.

WE CAN REBUILD HER!!!

Met him once. In the coffee lounge at work. I didn't know he was Jessica Simpson's dad, though I'd heard he was coming into the office for a meeting that day. He was a friendly, down-to-earth, normal-looking guy. Working class outfit; jeans, blocky old Reeboks, non-descript open-necked button down. Introduced himself as, simply, "Joe." A couple hours later, a bunch of us were in the parking lot, oogling this uber-flashy red Ferrari, wondering wtf owned it, and then dood came out, hopped in, and pulled off...

@Trixie from Toronto: She's always reminded me of Fake Jan with synthetic tits. You may have something there. Ou sont les variety shows d'antan?

@independentthinkerdude: Please do.

@raincoaster: Mais oui!

Synthetic tits: JSimp's are all hers, baby. When she goes braless it's very obvious. Another reason why I kind of like her. Ma petite chouchou avec les nice hooters!

@anotherlovetko: How sweet that he bought a really fancy dick car off the earnings from his daughters tetees naturales. Just like the pimp he is.

@Trixie from Toronto: Let's call her people for drinks, seriously...!

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: I'll be in L.A. next month. I'm in!

@Trixie from Toronto: Awesome. Ok. So, we start with the Us Weekly exclusive cover: Jess to Papa Joe: "F*CK OFF!!!" Beneath that, "Stop talking about my tits!" And the picture, her flipping the bird hardcore.

Or maybe a softer approach.

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: Then we go to Entertainment Weekly for something loftier.

Headline: The Emancipation of Jessica Simpson
Photo: Jessica, behind the wheel of a car, her father in the distant rear-view mirror with her erstwhile shackles in his hands.

Or something like that.

I downloaded "Blonde Ambition" and Papa Joe actually makes a cameo! It's so lame...he is just some guy in the office Luke Wilson brings a delivery for. He has this big grin on his face like "Wow! I'm finally on celluloid and part of the cinema! At last!"

@Trixie from Toronto: Oh hell yes. You have the class and I have the crass.

I think we should possibly get Sharon Osborne involved. Jess did that duet with Ozzy on a Christmas special, I'll never forget it as long as I live...plus, Sharon managed to get away from her own father's management company--I think he even put a hit on her one time.

@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: Do tell about the duet. I missed it. How amazing was it?

@Trixie from Toronto: I was blinded by jealousy, I think they sang "Sleigh Ride." It was just like on Lawrence Welk, kind of awkward but endearing to everyone from young kids to grandparents and you know, the meeting to two worlds you couldn't imagine.

Move here and let's do a youtube verson of the View.

I'd subscribe to that!