I just stifled a barf in my mouth...

I have absolutely no idea what this says. Is this English?

me no unnerstand.

@dweeb: I had to read it twice and then read the X17 link to figure out what happened.

Also, ew.

eeeeeeeeeeew.

@kifbox:

Will Lysol get puke off a keyboard?

I still don't get it. The fetus had died before she saved a piece of its placenta (if she saved a piece of its placenta), right? (Wow, do I hope that's right.) So who cares about the paternity of a dead fetus?

Maybe she was actually planning to have it with fava beans and a nice chianti?

I wish I didn't feel so much like I'm talking to myself...when oh when will my comments be deemed "interesting, substantial or highly amusing" ???

JESUS does, Jesus and Mike Huckabee and the rest of that lot and this post could send them all screaming out into the night. Email it immediately.

@mathnet: Okay, I haven't followed the link? (Or this article?) But my interpretation of this was that Ewan knocked up Nic, but they decided the baby was Tom's, but then she had a miscarriage and never carried to term and therefore there was no "fetus" but just a "placenta". Am I right? Do I win anything? I've been winning stuff lately.

@Colonel Mustard:

I seem to recall that you need something at the end of it.

@Colonel Mustard: @mathnet:

The way I understood it was that she kept the placenta from the miscarriage she had at the end of the marriage (remember that?) to prove that Tom was the father in case he ever tried to fuck her over? However, if the baby was Ewan's, what's the point? Yeah, you're right. It still doesn't make sense.

@Colonel Mustard: Either way, who cares about its paternity if the pregnancy isn't carried to term (so there are no questions about custody, inheritance, etc.)?

Plus, congratulations and enjoy your two dozen copies of The Gawker Guide!

@heidi: Oh, so as an adulterer, he wouldn't be able to use it in their divorce as evidence of her adultery?

@mathnet: Can I trade them in for a placenta?

@Colonel Mustard: Gould must've left one or two in her desk?

Uh, maybe because my freezer is always chock with half-full bottles of vodka -- without *nary* a single ice cube tray square to be indulged to afterbirth storage -- I'd think a better way of handling this would be to just freakin' run the test on the placenta and then dispose of it, eh?*

*I swear, these actors are incapable of acting or speaking intelligently unless a writer writes it for them.

How about you come over to my place and I'll Ewan the placenta out of you?

@mathnet:

Oh, wait, tabalert coming! If the fetus was entitled to an inheritence when it became a baby, and the father was #2 Scientology drone, and Scientologists have more money than the Sultan of Dubai, and the fetus suddenly "miscarried," and ...

Operator, patch me through to McGarrett.

I heard it had Tom's eyes.

The Cruise-Kidman divorce had something to do with a pregnancy, but I can't remember where I picked up on the rumor.

@deliriousnyc:
Can't Scientologists fix anything by pointing at it? You know, the drive-by-an-accident thing TC was going on about in that video. I ask now, where was Tom's finger on the day of the miscarriage.

umm -- Moulin Rouge was filmed in early 2000 and her miscariage was in Mar 2001.

X17 is the stuff Billy Mays sells, right? Then it will get puke off a keyboard. I think I saw him do it on a late night infomercial.

Um, call me crazy, but keep the DNA results, lose the placenta.

@etubrute: How early in 2000? How. Early?

So when Tom told Diane Sawyer that he was going to eat Suri's placenta, he wasn't kidding?

@mathnet:

You can't use adultery as grounds for divorce in California to the best of my knowledge.

Shit, it still doesn't make sense.

@mathnet: Right. I think. Honestly, it still doesn't make sense. It also correlates with the long-standing rumor that Tom is sterile, so how *could* it be his child?

I've read that Nicole saved the placenta in case there was any question of whether or not Tom was the papa. This was to prove he was.

The whole thing is so fantastically weird that it should show up in any of the L&O's, with the "fiction, not a true story" tag that we all know means it's true.

I bet it's in her contract that she gives it over to him, he freezes it, then chops into tiny cubes garnished with dill and lemon, and has Katie serve it to Will and Jada after the Oscars. They all laugh maniacally and plot the death of Jerry O'Connell.

FLASHMAN: Filming began in Nov 1999 & wrapped in May 2000. (there was a break in the middle b/c she broke a rib).

Nicole Kidman has sex?

Wait until Angelina gets ahold of this save-the-placenta idea.

@NotReadyForPrimeTime: No, but it could be in the pre-nup...adultery = no Tom Money.

Check out the comments under the X17 story. All these women are posting things "so, what's wrong with that?" ... "I kept my miscarried placenta in a shoebox" ... "It's normal practice to save it and put it in the freezer" ... "it's only natural to hold on to it" etc. etc. Yikes!

Maybe Nicole watched this film [imdb.com], and thought - Wow! Better than Botox!

WARNING: Gaau Ji is full-on. Hard hat and safety belt recommended.

@Pomalina: As it was, Tom stiffed her by divorcing before the 10 years was up...

Okay, humor me: Roll your side bar up until the photo above shows only Ewan's hands clutching, like a linebacker...a...oh-no, say it isn't so... a could- pass-for, and very placenta-looking greenish blob (Nicole's dress)!

Yeah, it's been a long day.

If any of this crap were true, this would be the most valuable preserved human effluvia since Monica Lewinsky decided not to dry clean her blue dress.

But if I understood high school biology correctly...the placenta is a layer of cells that grows on the surface of the uterus to nourish the growing fetus. Since it's a product of the mother's body, wouldn't that mean it wouldn't have any of the father's DNA anyway? I'm just sayin'.

Wow, the comments prove this got cross-posted to Jezebel and Gawker. Anywhose, dumping in one day unsubstantiated innuendo on Heath, Ewan and Nicole, three stars of Teh Gays' Universe, is just bad form. Get it right.

Hey.. I heard a rumour Tom Cruise is gay. Just saying.

How did Ewan get mixed up in this sordid tale? Urgh, it makes me feel dirty. And what kind of psycho keeps a miscarriage in a jar? That's one step away from doing a Dahmer and keeping mutilated cock in the fridge.

Hey, I'd have a placenta for Ewan.

Maybe the thetans stole the baby at the end of the placents.

@mepo: i'd have a whole mess of 'em.

@fritosforlunch: word. and i'm kinda sad about the end of that pregnancy, because it means i now have even less of a chance than before of scoring with something that has ewan's genes. really, how gorgeous would that kid have been?

I would swear that Mimi Rogers said at some point that Tom was shooting blanks. So therefore I thought he divorced Nicole because he felt her pregnancy was proof of infidelity. Now, do with that what you will in terms of him allegedly fathering Suri.

Why do I keep getting the image of Dan Ackroyd dressed as Julia Child with a bloody knife, squawking, "Save the placenta!"?

Oh, yeah. That stroke I had last week. Still tasting copper.

That stuff goes great with a little Placenta Helper. Shame you can't have it every night.

Hot. I love her. Nothing will change that. Come what may!