Defamer
That deafening cheer you heard last night, so loud it blew the Ye Rustic Inn's front door right off its hinges and into an adjacent stripmall's parking lot, had nothing to do with Brett Favre's crushing defeat, but rather a triumph of the highest order involving one of Silver Lake's favorite sons. For Kiefer Sutherland, you see, had emerged from the Glendale City Jail a free man at precisely 12:05 a.m., having served the entirety of his 48-day sentence, where he passed the long hours "cleaning sheets, pillowcases and blankets on laundry duty." John Balian, a jail spokesman always forthcoming with kindly soundbites and incremental Kiefer updates, offered that the 24 star was wearing "a shirt and jeans," and "looked like he was glad to be out." Why was the beloved Christmas tree assassin forced to serve out his entire sentence, where lesser shock-starlets have been released early for far more serious, traffic-flow-flouting crimes? The AP report explains:
He was granted a request to serve his time in suburban Glendale's city jail rather than in the overcrowded downtown Los Angeles County jail. The trade-off was that he could not shave any time off his sentence for good behavior or early release because of overcrowding.The actor must also serve five years probation and complete an 18-month alcohol education program and attend weekly therapy sessions for six months.
Does this mean we'll never again experience the mixed-with-the-drunken-locals Kiefer of old, who giddily hopped between various Eastside dive establishments where everyone knew his name, and probably would have even if he wasn't constantly saving the world in day-long increments on Fox? Tell us it ain't so, as a Silver Lake bereft of sauced Kiefer sightings sounds to us as desolate as a Valencia after a suitcase-nuke detonation.
Comments
Okay, a spirit can only take so much, I'm with you dreamy-eyed lovers and I give up on my own doomsday prophecies, no matter who tells me anything. I picture pooling to purchase a sweet ride, working in shifts of 5 to 20 and moving under the cover of late, late night...let's start a movement. Any paps get near him, shoot silently and shoot to kill.
If I'm drunk, does that make this post less scary?
Oh, of course we would be giving Kiefer a ride, that's really the point, not shooting paps. God, sorry, I'll go take a nap. Kiefer's free!!!
@Her Royal Empress Dr. Bufflekins III, Esq.: Why not combine both tasks and run them over?
Is it weird or poetic that "The Bottle Let Me Down" just popped up on my iTunes? Come over Kiefer. We'll listen to Merle, have some tea and play Scrabble. No alcohol necessary.
That might be the funniest photo ever accompanying this post. He's warming up to tackle the tree, like a thoroughbred in the starting blocks!!!
I'll never forget my first Kiefer sighting. A bottle of J&B, a Coke back, and the musty depressive ambience of Club Tee Gee...it was then I knew I was truly an eastsider. Come back to us, Kiefer.
Kiefer: The coffee is brewing, the ashtrays are clean, and I've got room on my couch for a nice, long chat.
18 months of alcohol education? So, by month 4 he'll be able to give me the short course on wine pairings? I'm always stuck on what to serve with salmon and its more 'meaty' fish cousins.
@gwendemarco: As long as KS can help me with my "Beer Before Liquor..." thesis...
@Sweet Panda Love: Efficient, easier to "explain" to police, I like it.
@gwendemarco: Just what I was thinking. "I know exactly what to order with this Boilermaker, and just what it will do to me. Bartender! Four more!" And they say school doesn't teach anything useful!
*sniff* Kief - after the next 6 months, I think you'll be ready to go on a nice long holiday with the Defamers...
In all seriousness, I hope Kief has something to do with his time, as it's not like he'll be able to go back to making episodes of 24 anytime soon…
He gets out to cold, rainy weather that makes you want to stay inside and drink. Hopefully he'll want to stay inside.
Also note to self; if faced with the prospect of jail, try and negotiate a substation stay rather than dealing with county.
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