Defamer
Though no stranger to the inevitable backlash a comedian with indie cred will suffer by cashing the occasional easy paycheck to participate in a family film with no greater artistic aim than briefly quieting a theater full of overmedicated six-year-olds, onetime Dr. Doolittle 2 and Curious George cameo-maker David Cross was nevertheless unprepared for the intensity with which overflowing handfuls of critical excrement hit his personal fan for deciding to join the cast of current box office juggernaut Alvin and Chipmunks. Inspired by a "snide comment" recently directed his way by Ratatouille's Patton Oswalt, who had previously turned down the same Chipmunks part but had the good fortune of being offered a voiceover role in an Oscar-quality CGI-critter film, Cross takes to his website to explain the series of Mitigating Factors that went into that particular career choice:
Hello, David here. I've internally debated the merits of addressing my appearance in, (and thus tacit condoning of) "Alvin and The Chipmunks". I am not stupid nor unobservant. I knew going into this movie that I would be eating a lot of delicious shit for it.
Usually I wouldn't give a shit about what everyone's feelings are about it, but I wasn't prepared for the level, or amount I should say, of vitriol that's been flung about like so much monkey poo. But then I read Patton's snide comment in his blog about how he and Brian were offered the part and how they then chucked the script in disgust only to have it hungrily intercepted from it's intended trajectory into the incinerator by me, a money hungry whore sell out, (I'm paraphrasing.) [...]MITIGATING FACTOR #4
I love Patton and think the world of him and his talent. That will never change, no matter how many times he chooses to wear a kilt and hungrily guzzle sugary sweet, Sierra Mist (Oh snap!!) in an unintentional metaphor for everything being discussed here. What Patton doesn't know (I'm assuming) is that the part was originally offered to me, I said, "no way!", then it was offered to Patton, Brian, and I don't know who else. Then, months later, after everyone turned it down, they came back to me with a much more generous offer. I then said, "yes way!".I like to imagine a fantasy conversation with Patton wherein I say, "wait a second. Are you trying to tell me that if you were offered the part of Ratatouille and the part of "Ian" in "Alvin and the Chipmunks" but you could only do one of them that you would honestly rather take the "Ratatouille" role? Really? Well guess what, me too." And then walk away in triumph knowing that I had gotten him with a real zinger!
One thing to note here is that we know that they approached at least me, Patton, and Brian. Three non-traditional funny guys who can do something with the part that isn't on the page. I'd say the people involved with the film (at least on the creative end) have pretty good taste. They could have offered the part to Anthony Clark or Jim Breuer or Dat Phan, but then they wouldn't be able to balance out the empty void that Jason Lee brings to the film.
We encourage you to read the entire list of things ( a chance to hang out with LA-based pals, a desire to put a down payment on a modest place in upstate NY, etc) that influenced Cross, a candid inventory which we think will effectively quash any burgeoning feud between two of our favorite comedians-especially since Cross demonstrated the above-referenced respect for his Pixar-blessed peer by not noting Oswalt's longtime involvement in King of Queens, instead deflecting the conversation towards serial sellout co-star Jason Lee, whose rundown of reasons for participating in both Chipmunks and Underdog in a single calendar year was probably no more complicated than, "I'd starve to death if I waited around for someone to give me decent movie jobs in between seasons of Earl."
- "Allllllviiiiin!" [BobAndDavid.com]
Comments
I'm just glad to hear Cross was taking shit for his involvement in said film.
David might find delicious shit easier to eat in a nice Holledaise sauce
Reading Cross' blog.. A 1100 square feet apartment is "relatively small"? Really? Jeezus, 1100 square feet would be fairly roomy even by LA terms. OK, not movie-star-with-seven-figure-income LA terms, but at least working-actor-with-six-figure-income LA terms. Dude, chipmunks must make serious bank.
Though it does depress me that he'd be out of work for 6 months, so underutilized.
I think "I did it for the money. Fuck you" would have been sufficient.
Fuck. If Bill Murray can be in the Garfield movie, the rest of you can shut the fuck up about your "integrity".
So his defense is
1) other people sold out too
2) I'm more in demand than them
3) Jason Lee sucks and is worse than me?
This is the shittiest fucking defense since the Nuremberg trials. Holy christ on a cracker, david cross. What the hell?
@TheStarterWife: For reals, yo.
Are we in high school?
It's a kids movie. Kid's movies don't count on the hollywood whore meter.
Christopher Walken did Disney's Country Bears movie and walked away without a scratch. Bill Murray (as previously mentioned) did 2 Garfields.
But I understand his friends dumping on him.
If ever I pass up a 150million dollar hit film and one of my friends hits with it? Shit, you could NEVER shut me up. Ever.
I'm having a hard time mustering contempt for his decision to do the "film." It's fine and dandy to be a beloved "indie" type, but why should that prevent him from making a buck now and again? Take the cash and pay your rent for a long, long time.
I have far less of an issue with his defense than I do with the fact that he has to offer a defense in the first place.
And why wasn't anyone out there similarly P.O'ed when he turned up in "MIB II" or She's the Man" -- each of which were utter shite.
Give the guy a break, the analrapist business has been really slow lately.
@Pope John Peeps II: Yeah, it's terrible for its overdefensiveness and longwindedness both. The truly obnoxious aspect of it would seem to be that Cross has never been shy about criticizing other people's artistic choices. For someone who appears to have such contempt for the Bush administration, he sure seems comfortable with the notion that his own quote-unquote rules don't apply to himself.
Well, David, I hope you're proud of yourself. Because of your narcissistic and completely unamusing rant there, I'm taking all B-list celebrity blogs away FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK. That's right, even yours, Melanie Griffith [www.melaniegriffith.com] Now go buy an actual printed--on newsprint--newspaper or something and think about what you've done.
And one more thing, funnyman. I'll decide when to stop laughing.
@DrFeelgood: Christopher Walken did Disney's Country Bears movie and walked away without a scratch.
Jury's still out on Balls of Fury.
I won't lie. I loved Alvin and the Chipmunks. I made the kids I watch see it twice.
Orson Welles. Transformer. David Cross really can't call himself successful until he does an ad for frozen vegetables.
Anyone who's made a living entirely by writing and/or performing knows that you boil a lot of pots. However, per Nojo a simple "I needed the money, so fuck off" would have sufficed by way of defense.
Reason #6: Donnie wants some green quarters! Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie!
This said it all for me.
Oh and Cross? You mess with Patton, you mess with me, capice?
(is that how the word is spelled? Anyways, you get the gist and so forth)
Jason Lee is not a sell-out. He is being controlled by Tom Cruise.
@TedSez: This comment's hilarity made me long for fluid in my mouth that I could spit out. I don't say that to all the boys either.
@TedSez: I love you.
I'm upset that real rats and chipmunks are being shut out by the casting powers that be. Equal rights for furry rodents.
You guys saw Patton Oswalt's response on the AV Club, right?
Ho's got to eat too!
Seems like this whole thing has gotten blown out of proportion. The two are 'friends,' made some ribbing comments at each other, and have become embroiled in the age old drama of an intarweb scandal.
Perhaps an attic should he seek...
@nojo: Agreed. I love David Cross like it's my job, but dude's not exactly discriminating about all his choices (even if I do love 99.9% of them).
@Pope John Peeps II: He convinced me. So suck it.
Yes, everyone, I am a David Cross apologist. Wookie, sweetness, I will cut you.
@TedSez: Donnie thinks vacuum!!
Cross's next project is "Coupon: the Movie"
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