No, it's not just you: Most news seems utterly besides the point lately, eclipsed by the fact that America's favorite socialite, Paris Hilton, is currently sitting behind bars, squandering some of the most prime weeks of her life. And for what? The DUI-probation-violating equivalent of having stolen a loaf of bread. We bring you a round-up of all things Prisoner Paris as she continues to pay her debt to society within the walls of Lynwood:
· Hollywood madam Jody "Babydol" Gibson, who's done hard time, warns us that Paris will emerge from from her experience a changed, hairier person, as all manner of tweezers, razors and hair-removal wax are forbidden in jail. Still, Paris is nothing if not resourceful, and it won't belong that she figures out that some table syrup, smuggled from the dining hall on Pancake Tuesdays and left for a few days in a sunny windowsill, should quickly congeal into an adequate depilatory substitute. [NY Daily News]
· Hilton lawyer Richard A. Hutton has visited Paris, and reports that she is doing well, but being kept away from the rest of the population in a solitary cell, from which she'll be permitted to emerge for one hour a day. "She's using this time to reflect on her life, to see what she can do to make the world better," he explained, before a bolt of lighting emerged out of the clear, blue sky and reduced him to a small pile of smoking ash. [Yahoo/AP]

· Team Hilton Flack Sergeant Elliot Mintz says mom Kathy is trying to stay strong for Paris—aka prisoner No. 9818783—and thinks "she'll emerge from this a better person." [NY Post]
· The Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in New York has outfitted their Paris sculpture in a striped prisoner's uniform, causing a small uptick in the already huge percentage of visitors who stop at the likeness to point and laugh. [Local6.com]
· Fellow inmates and guards may want to take note: Hostel Part 2 star Bijou Phillips told Howard Stern that Hilton invented her own language, which she sometimes uses to insult people. By the same token, it's rumored to be an incredibly romantic language, and so whomever's bitch Paris is made may want to request some sweet nothings whispered in her homegrown patois. [MSNBC]